One of my most memorable Thanksgiving celebrations was about ten years ago. After an enormous holiday feast, all of my family members sat around my parents’ living room unable to move (does that sound familiar?).

On an impulse, I grabbed the video camera and suggested that we all go around in a circle telling each other one thing we most appreciate about each other. My family reluctantly agreed, as they rolled their eyes thinking, “this is another one of those ‘Marci’ things.”

We started with my mother — I told her I appreciated how she always believes in me. Then my brother told her that he appreciated what a generous person she was, followed by my nephew who told her how he could taste the love in her signature butterscotch chip cookies, and on and on. Then we moved on to my father and did the same process until all twelve of us had been lavished on.

By the end of this appreciation feast, we had even bigger smiles on our faces than we’d had while we were eating the mashed potatoes and the apple pie a la mode.

There’s so much research showing the extraordinary benefits of sharing thanks and appreciation. But, we don’t even need those statistics to know how it feels in our hearts.

With the passing of my 93 year-old aunt this year (the last of seven aunts and uncles) and the passing of both my parents in the past few years, this is our family’s first Thanksgiving that my siblings and I are the “older generation.” We’ll be celebrating together at my brother’s home with “the younger generation,” and we’ll all be watching that special video together. I am so grateful that we have our appreciation feast captured on video and in our hearts. Why not celebrate your family and friends with an Appreciation Feast this Thanksgiving.

I send you all my best wishes for a Thanksgiving deeply full of thanks.

With love and gratitude for you being in my life, Marci

Almost five years ago, Carol and I interviewed a fascinating neuropsychologist named Rick Hanson for our book, Happy for No Reason. Rick brilliantly explained how a “happy brain” works. He shared with us the great analogy that our brains are like Velcro for the negative, but Teflon for the positive — the negatives stick to us while the positives tend to slide right off. More importantly, he shared simple ways we can reverse that negativity bias.

I’ve continued to be a huge fan of Rick and his work — we even began a book together. I avidly read Rick’s “just one thing” articles, which are wonderful short pieces about easy, powerful practices that can make a big difference in our happiness and well-being levels. In today’s ezine, I’d love to share one of my favorite “just one thing” ideas that I think you’ll find really helpful.

Here are Rick’s wise words about “Don’t Take It Personally” (excerpted from his wonderful new book called Just One Thing):

Here’s an updated parable from the ancient Taoist teacher Chuang-Tzu: Imagine that you are floating in a canoe on a slow-moving river, having a Sunday picnic with a friend. Suddenly there is a loud thump on the side of the canoe, and it rolls over. You come up sputtering, and what do you see? Somebody has snuck up on your canoe, flipped it over for a joke, and is laughing at you. How do you feel?

Okay. Now imagine the exact same situation again: the picnic in a canoe, loud thump, dumped into the river, coming up sputtering, and what do you see? A large submerged log has drifted downstream and bumped into your canoe. This time, how do you feel?

The facts are the same in each case: cold and wet, picnic ruined. But when you think you’ve been targeted personally, you probably feel worse. The thing is, most of what bumps into us in life — including emotional reactions from others, traffic jams, illness, or mistreatment at work — is like an impersonal log put in motion by ten thousand causes upstream.

Say a friend is surprisingly critical toward you. It hurts, for sure, and you’ll want to address the situation, from talking about it with the friend to disengaging from the relationship.

But also consider what may have caused that person to bump into you, such as misinterpretations of your actions; health problems, pain, worries or anger about things unrelated to you; temperament, personality, childhood experiences; the effects of culture, economy, or world events; and causes back upstream in time, like how his or her parents were raised.

Recognize the humbling yet wonderful truth: most of the time, we are bit players in other people’s dramas.

When you look at things this way, you naturally get calmer, put situations in context, and don’t get so caught up in me-myself-and-I. Then you feel better, plus more clearheaded about what to do.

How?

To begin with, have compassion for yourself. Getting smacked by a log is a drag. Also take appropriate action. Keep an eye out for logs heading your way, try to reduce their impact, and repair your “boat” — relationship, health, finances, career — as best you can. And maybe think about finding a new river!

Additionally:

1. Notice when you start to take something personally. Be mindful of what that feels like — and also what it feels like to relax the sense of being personally targeted.

2. Be careful about making assumptions about the intentions of others. Maybe they didn’t do it “on purpose.” Or maybe there was one not-so-good purpose aimed at you that was mixed up with a dozen other purposes.

3. Reflect on some of the ten thousand causes upstream. Ask yourself: What else could be in play here? What’s going on inside the other person’s mind and life? What’s the bigger picture?

4. Beware getting caught up in your “case” about other people, driven by an inner prosecutor that keeps pounding on all the ways they’re wrong, spoke badly, acted unfairly, picked on you, really really harmed you, made you suffer, etc., etc. It’s good to see others clearly, and there’s a place for moral judgment — but case-making is a kind of obsessing that makes you feel worse and more likely to overreact and create an even bigger problem.

5. Try to have compassion for the other people. They’re probably not all that happy, either. Having compassion for them will not weaken you or let them off the moral hook; actually, it will make you feel better.

And — really soak up the sense of strength and peacefulness that comes from taking life less personally.

As a recovering “personalizer,” I love this reminder from Rick. Try applying these ideas over the next days and see how you relax and enjoy your life more.

I welcome you to share your personal experience with this great practice on my Facebook page.

With love for every reason, Marci

Do you ever have what I refer to as “hot pants” moments — moments when you are overcome with self-judgment?

I call them this because one of my most vivid memories of self-criticism came when I was 13 years old and hot pants — three-inch-long shorts that barely cover the butt — were all the rage. I was chubby, but that didn’t stop me from squeezing into my very own pair of bright pink hot pants.

On the day of my hot pants debut, I overhead one of my friends saying to another, “Can you believe Marci wore hot pants today — with those thighs?” I was crushed. When I got home, I took off those tiny shorts and stuffed them in the back of my closet where I’d never have to see them again. But I couldn’t get rid of the self-judgment that easily.

For a while, every time I looked into the mirror, I heard “Can you believe how fat you are?” Later, when I was 19 and didn’t have a boyfriend, that voice asked, “Can you believe what a loser you are?” And years after that, when I gave a talk and thought someone in the audience looked bored, the voice was still there: “Can you believe what a lousy speaker you are?”

If you’re like everyone else I’ve ever met, you have the equivalent of a “hot pants” story in your life and your own version of self-judgments that have put a lid on your experience of love and happiness.

Decades after this hot pants incident, I started studying self-esteem and later taught courses on how to raise self-esteem. Certainly having high self-esteem is great, but while writing Love for No Reason, I realized there’s a big difference between self-esteem and self-love.

Self-esteem is conditional — it’s based on “loving myself, because…” I’ll love myself if I’m good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, do a good enough job, and so on. The limitations of this are clear. What happens when I don’t live up to the exacting standards that I hold? Then I plunge into self-judgment, close my heart, and feel unworthy of love.

On the other hand, self-love is unconditional — it means being able to love yourself no matter what — whether or not you look good in hot pants or do a fabulous job at work.

Here are two practices that can help you develop greater self-love. They’re especially useful when you’re having a rough time or being particularly judgmental with yourself:

1. Practice self-care: Most people aren’t in the habit of taking good care of themselves and honoring their own needs, which is fundamental to self-love. To reverse this, three times a day, stop what you’re doing and ask yourself, What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? And then follow through on the answer.

2. Practice self-compassion: Developing self-love requires that you treat yourself kindly — as kindly as you would your neighbor or your friend. If you’re stuck in self-criticism, try thinking of yourself as a completely separate person. Ask yourself, what would you say or do if you saw a friend hurting the way that you’re hurting? Give yourself all the benefits of having a good friend — from the inside out.

So, the next time you have a “hot pants” moment, give yourself an internal hug and remember that you’re worthy of love — no matter what.

With love for no reason and every reason, Marci

What a wild week! I’m sending my thoughts and love to everyone who was affected by Hurricane Irene.

Last Friday afternoon, I got a first-hand experience of being part of a mass exodus. Like so many others, I was trying to leave New York City as it was preparing for the storm. After my final appointment there, I rushed to hail a cab to take me to JFK airport so I could catch one of the last planes out before the airport was to shut down.

I had a big suitcase with me (I’m still learning how to travel light), and when the driver stopped to pick me up, I fully expected him to get out of the taxi and help me hoist my heavy suitcase into the trunk. No such help! To my shock, he continued on his phone call and motioned to me to put my suitcase in the trunk myself. Ugh.

On any other day, I would have waited for another taxi, as I didn’t appreciate his attitude, but on this day, I was just eager to catch my plane before the airlines stopped operating.

 So, hoist I did and off we sped. He continued to talk on the phone in a language I didn’t understand, while ignoring me completely (at least he did have his earpiece on and was hands free). I got more and more impatient and judgmental as we made our way through the city, lurching forward at every green light, and screeching to a halt at every red light. This continued for about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, I was busy formulating a scathing monologue to deliver to him when he got off the phone about how rude he’d been. I had all kinds of stories in my mind about what a “bad person” he was.

At last, he hung up the phone and I got ready to let loose. But before I could begin my finely crafted monologue, he turned slightly (but safely) around and in the sweetest manner, he apologized profusely. He said how sorry he was that he hadn’t helped me with my suitcase and that he never talks on the phone with a passenger in the car. This had been an emergency.

He went on to explain that just before I’d gotten in the car, he’d received a frantic call from his brother in India whose 13-year old daughter had been in a bad car accident and was in intensive care at their local hospital.

Wow. That certainly reframed the situation for me. My irritation melted into compassion. We continued to talk about his niece, his brother, his children, and his life for the rest of the drive. He was a sweet, delightful, caring man with a big heart — nothing at all like the monster that I’d made him up to be in my mind.

How much energy had I just wasted in all of my judgments? How much had my heart shut down before I’d heard “the rest of the story”?

How often has this kind of scenario happened to you?

So many of the judgments we make are based on wrong or incomplete information. And they end up robbing us of our energy and happiness.

This week, if you find yourself caught up in judgments of someone, try reframing the story you’re telling yourself. This will save your own heart and happiness. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. There’s probably more to the story that, if you knew, would help you feel more compassion.

2. Make up a new context for the situation. Create a story that would soften your heart towards them.

3. For extra credit and extra benefit to yourself, beam them love as if the story you’d created were true.  

Yes, Hurricane Irene did her fair share of damage. But how much damage are we doing to ourselves by our inner hurricanes of judgment? We’ll feel so much freer and lighter when we transform those hurricanes into winds of compassion.

With love for every reason,

Marci Shimoff

Aaaah, I love these summer months. One of my favorite things to do is to take long hikes in nature. I’m in bliss walking through the beautiful redwood forests of Northern California (if you’re ever in Northern California or Oregon, you must go to visit the amazing redwood trees).

I particularly appreciated my hike this last weekend, after returning from a week in Taipei, Taiwan. Taipei is a crowded city, with high humidity in the summer. While I loved the people there and had a fantastic time giving a Happy for No Reason workshop to about 500 participants, I returned home craving nature.

So on my long hike on Saturday, I found myself wanting to take in as much fresh air as I could. But I had a hard time on the difficult uphill section–I was out of breath and gasping for air.

Then I remembered the advice of my good friend, Dr. John Douillard, who said that when you breathe in and out through your mouth you’re exhausting and aging yourself. Years ago he taught me a different way to breathe that increases energy, reverses aging, and promotes greater happiness and well-being.

John called it “Darth Vader” breathing, because when you’re doing it right, you sound just like the Star Wars character. In yoga circles it’s called “Ocean Breath” (it also sounds like the ocean) or ujjayi pranayama, which translates as “the breath that gives victory over fear.” I call it bliss breathing, because it always makes me feel joyful.

John recommends breathing this way while meditating, sitting at your desk, or exercising, so I tried it during my hike. I quickly noticed I was no longer out of breath, and I was feeling more energy-even though I was trudging up a steep hill. Within minutes, I felt a bliss that lasted throughout the day. It worked!

Modern scientific studies are now catching up with ancient wisdom showing that breathing properly can make us feel good-fast. Darth Vader breathing creates a healing response in the body. As the lungs absorb more oxygen, circulation and metabolism improve. This increases your overall life energy.

So anytime you’re feeling down or sluggish, try Darth Vader breathing. It’s easy but powerful. Here’s how:

1. Start by inhaling and exhaling through your mouth, pulling the air from the back of the throat to make it sound like Darth Vader. You will feel the back of the throat slightly constricting. (You can also imagine you’re fogging up a pair of glasses.

2. Once you get the hang of the sound, close your mouth, and continue inhaling and exhaling in the same way. Take slow and deep breaths. When you’re doing it correctly, you’ll hear the breath coming in and going out. This is the sound people make right before they go to sleep, when they are very relaxed.

Whether you’re on a wonderful summer hike (or winter hike for those in the southern hemisphere), exercising at your gym, or just sitting at home or work, practice breathing your way to greater happiness, love, and bliss!

With love for no reason and every reason,

Marci

← Previous Page — Next Page →